Humbled

Have you ever heard anyone ever say "I'm so strong in my faith. I know nothing will ever make me stumble!" I mean, that's a great attitude... or, so I thought. I used to think like that. No matter what, I would always be a light for God; always an encouragement. And it's not that I'm not anymore, but God has definitely humbled me over the past 3 months.
As I said before, God removed me from my Christian bubble. And a series of random events definitely showed me that I still needed my good Christian influences in my life. Things change, and that's great. But I was bad at coping with the change. I got involved with a few friends that I should not have been involved in. Was I doing anything wrong? No. But I wasn't doing anything right either. I stopped praying. I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped caring. School, work, my family, "friends," and other responsibilities left no room for any of that. Ridiculous excuse, I know. But let's be real. I was completely broken. Nothing made sense. People let me down. I didn't have time to breathe.
Recently, things have changed. I do not surround myself with bad influences. If you have nothing but rude words to say to me, I say kind ones back - but you no longer have a significant place in my life. My outlook is much different now because of the trials I've gone through lately. I am thankful for every mistake I made. I am thankful for how broken I became. I am thankful for every true friend that has not condemned me, but has stuck by me no matter what.

So if your outlook is "I'm so strong in my faith, nothing can change that" - watch out. You will be humbled and it will be difficult. You're never too strong to be broken.

A Series of Fortunate Events

So here are some things I've learned first-hand the past couple of months:

Sometimes God allows us to hurt so that we can grow. Sometimes God allows us to hurt others so that we can grow. People can do a complete 180 in 5 seconds flat. People will lie to you, a lot. Girls that thrive on drama travel in packs. Boys aren't worth it (referring to that drama) and neither are girls. Horses love you no matter what. Sometimes the people you feel most connected with will be the people who constantly let you down. Families will always be families, no matter how strong the bond is. People who are basically strangers can be best friends at heart. Great Value toaster pastries do not taste like pop-tarts. It takes almost losing someone to realize how much they meant to you in the first place. When friends change, it almost always causes you to do the same. God will always be whispering in your ear. Old friends can become new friends. Opposites really do attract. Boys that work at grocery stores will treat you like the items they bag. After the 4th chance, it's time to stop. It is possible to be jaded. The earth is magnetic. When you have no friends left, you'll always have me. When I have no friends left, I'll always have God.

Exposing the Myths

Myth #1: Everyone will like you.

The first and greatest commandment is to love God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And the second is to love your neighbor as yourself. This seems very easy to comprehend... but to what extent are we willing to fulfill these commandments? I think sometimes we too easily get them confused. Some situations that we will encounter as Christians will lead us to be disliked by many. Many times we're going to have to follow God first and foremost, and let everything else fall into place. Yes, we have to love our neighbors and treat them as we would want to be treated, but let us not forget that God comes first. His will over ours, His will over theirs, His will over everyone's. There are plenty of examples of people in the Bible that weren't liked by others because of things they did for God. One good example? JESUS. So many could not stand Him. But He did not stop. He did the will of His father, and He tried His best to make everyone see His wonderful intentions. Sometimes this didn't work out, but I believe in the end Jesus came to terms with the fact that "everyone will not like you."


Myth #2: You have to make everyone happy.

Wrong again! This can come from the first myth of everyone liking you. Sometimes God will put things in your path that will cause others to hurt. This is a part of life. I'm not saying it's God's will for people to hurt, but it is God's will for people to grow and to learn. In every situation we go through, in every trial, we are being taught. But it is up to us to find out the lesson God has for us. Through tough times and hard struggles, we will have to hurt people. We will have to let people down. Maybe the lesson there isn't for us, but for them. Who are we to shut a door that God has opened? Maybe something we cannot even fathom is about to happen in another person's life. And it goes the other way as well. Everyone does not have to make you happy. If you see it one way, you must see it the other. God will put situations in other peoples' lives to teach us something. We will hurt. But we will grow. I know it's easier to think that our purpose on this earth is to please those around us and make sure they're happy.


The fact of the matter is, our purpose here is to worship and love our God. Let us not forget to place HIM first in every situation, and nothing of self. Hurt will come. Some people will hate you, others will love you. You will cause smiles and you will cause trials. But through it all, keep your eyes on God and His perfect plan will result.

The Problem With Perfection

Do you know someone who backslides about every 3 months? They live in sin and thrive off of the things of the world - then they have an encounter with God and go back to the straight and narrow. About 3 months pass by, maybe even less, and you notice they're back to their old ways. Have you ever wondered why this is such an issue? Well here's my theory:
Yes, we are supposed to strive for perfection. Yes, we are supposed to be like Jesus, follow His example, and try our best to live each day of our lives for Him. But sometimes we can get so caught up in all of the emotions that we aren't living for Jesus anymore, we're just trying to be perfect. We want to do good for God, but at the same time we know others are watching and if they even see the slightest hint of us falling, then they'll turn on us. We set ourselves up for failure. I know I've done it in the past, and maybe some of you have as well. After the encounter with God you feel so close to Him. You read your Bible every day, you go to church every time the doors open, you read the latest Christian literature, you have deep conversations about God with random people, and you surround yourself with great Christian friends. And then you get burnt out. You want to try something else... so let's say you go to a party. You used to struggle with drinking, but you've put that in your past. Someone hands you a beer. You drink it. You're gone. The rest is history. The weeks following this you do not read your Bible, you do not pray, you do not discuss God. You are embarassed. You have failed. You are not perfect.
I think that a way Christians can deal with this vicious cycle is by understanding that perfection actually isn't an option. Striving for it? YES! Do strive to be like our savior! But, if you were meant to be perfect... what'd Jesus die for? The moment we start demanding perfection and obsessing in every area of our lives is the moment we replace the savior. And that my friends, is a dangerous move. So instead of staying in the rut - instead of setting ourselves up for failure - how about we just live one day at a time? Let's live for God, not for the idea of perfection. I think more meaningful relationships with our Lord would result.

I don't want to be a Christian.

When I first became a Christian, and even a month ago, I didn't understand why people said "I don't want to be a Christian because Christians are hypocrites." I was like, "Wah!? I'm not a hypocrite!" And I didn't see any of my friends being "hypocrites" or whatever these heathens were calling us! But lately, it's become more than obvious how hypocritical we can be. Even things as seemingly small as white lies can cause a person to see a Christian as nothing more than a self-righteous pagan. Trust is a huge part of a relationship, and when that trust is broken, what else is there? How can you tell someone one minute a lie and the next say you'll pray for them? No wonder lost souls don't want to be what we call "Christians." They're no different. What happened to this "change" we were supposed to see when we became new creatures in Christ? What happened to the truth and the love and the compassion that comes from knowing Jesus and persuing a relationship with Him? It sickens me to think that the lost people of the world are suffering because of a mishapen image of what it means to be a Christ follower. People think the problem with Christians is that we aren't telling enough people about Christ. I think the problem is that we don't truly know Christ ourselves.

This is random and blunt like many of my posts have been lately. Take it like you want.

I ain't Jesus.

This past weekend was Judgment House at my church Emmanuel Baptist. So pastor Gary thought it would be nice if one of the guys from the JH team, Jeff Huey, got to preach on Sunday morning. Jeff spoke about spiritual warfare and how it impacts Christians and non-Christians, but one seemingly random story he told meant more to me than the entire message combined.

Jeff: "One day a guy asked me to take a job preaching down at a church in Alabama. I told him I'd love to cause I really wanted a job in a church. Then he said that he'd love to have me on the team for at least 5 years, and he wanted to know if I'd agree to that. I told him no because I ain't Jesus and Jesus is the only one who knows what God wants. God could call me into one area of ministry one day and then want me somewhere else the next. We need to stop planning out lives and just listen to where God wants us to go."

YES! AH, I'm so glad someone put it into words for me... and I'm so glad I can relate to someone. There's been an issue of commitment in some of the areas of ministry I was once involved in. Some people have asked me, "Well, how can you just stop leading in that area when you committed to it?" Well... I stopped because that's what I felt God wanted. And it would have been wrong of me to tell God "No, actually... I committed to this.. so I'm going to ignore what You're telling me and do what I think is right." I mean, God wanted me there for a reason and for a season. Who am I to tell Him that He's doing something wrong?

And that story didn't only impact me in that area - I've realized that we have to do that in general with our lives. Sure, it's nice to have a plan. But we cannot ever 100% commit to something (except I guess marriage) because God could have something different for us. And when our plans change and we get to where God wants us, others shouldn't have anything but good things to say to and about us. After all, we're seeking God's will... not ours.

"Hooking up" with God.

So there was this girl that had this guy friend. And this particular guy friend would text her on the weekends wanting to do stuff and hang out, but during the week he would forget she existed. This went on for 4 weeks. The guy friend would beg for another chance, she'd give it to him, and then he'd go on about his business after they hung out. Every week he would ditch her. Every weekend she would give him another chance.


Let's just say God is the girl in this situation and we are the guy. Isn't that what we too often do to Him? On the weekend we realize Sunday's approaching so we start thinking more frequently about God. Then we come to the realization we've been putting Him off the week before; not even caring if we spend any time with Him. So, on Sunday we fall back in love with the God who loves us unconditionally.
Then the week begins and we slowly push Him away, just like every other week. Until the next weekend comes along and we again realize that He is what we're yearning for.


I don't know the remedy to this problem. I just know that we need to be aware of it if we're guilty of doing it. I know I have been before and I will be again. I think that realizing it's a problem is the first step though. Allowing God to help us fix it is still to come.

Are you "hooking up" with God on the weekends, or do you have a passionate continuous relationship with Him?

The 411

I haven't posted in a while and this blog will attempt to explain why... while explaining a lot of other stuff going on in the life of Sarah.


So! First things first - things in my life are changing, changing, changing. And with change comes some shock and some chaos and some mistakes. And in my case, all of that happened.

I realized about 2 weeks ago that I was trying to give too much of myself in too many areas of ministry. Mostly because I always tell people yes. Who knew that could be such a problem? Too much of a good thing?! WHAT?! But yeah. That happens. And that's what I did. So instead of being involved with WIRED, the church drama team, AWANA, Sunday school, and BCM, I've lessened my load. I now will help with AWANA when needed and back away from BCM. A lot of people may think that it's me backsliding, but it's not. I'm actually cutting back on my areas of ministry so I DON'T backslide! Lately I've been so bogged down with things I HAVE to do... that I've forgotten about longing for and wanting a relationship with my God. I've had Him shoved down my throat in so many ways, that I really just stopped caring about my own quiet time and my own personal relationship with Him. So that is changing. Instead of constantly going and going and giving and giving, I'm going to start feeding myself again. Just so you know - that's going very well at the moment.

Also, I have a hectic schedule anyway. With my mom going back to work in October, I'm going to have to start cleaning around the house more and more again. I used to clean every day and it looks like that's what I'm going to be in for in the next few weeks. Not only will I have house things to do, I'll also have schoolwork, church activities I'm participating in, and oh wait... Sarah wants to have a life too!? Wow. Asking WAY too much! Haha. But yeah. So point being - if you think I am... I'm not backsliding. I'm just stepping back, evaluating my circumstances and lifestyle, and changing it to revolve around God and not the other way around. If that makes sense.

Also, I'm still going through friend and non-Christian bubble shock. God has still been teaching me that I need to befriend those that aren't too strong in their faith, but He's also showing me how important the ones who are strong are as well. Like Courtney C. I miss her so much because of how much she helped me grow and how much she still helps me grow. God is really using this time apart to help me appreciate her more. I'm doing more and more things with not-so-strong Christians, and that's awesome. I love being able to be a light into their lives. It makes me feel like I'm glorifying God and I really just want people to look at me and think of Him.

But of course, with all good things... come bad. And with my stepping out of my Christian bubble, I got attached to a person I shouldn't have... and to put it bluntly I lived and I learned. I started putting my hope into another person instead of into God and I'm trying my best to allow God to fix what I screwed up with Him.


So this blog is kind of random. And sporatic. But, that's what I'm going through... and random and sporatic is what it feels like. I don't know what's going on half the time... I'm just trying to let go and allow God to show me what He's doing and what I should be doing.

Livin' on Love.

"I've learned by now to be quite content, whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much; with much as with little." Philippians 4:12

This verse has been applied to money, to things, to friends, to happiness, and to many other things. I, however, like to think of it as things going my way. And lately I have learned to be quite content in any circumstance God gives me. I'm content with whatever trial I go through or mountain top I bask on, because I know it all comes from God and it all has a purpose. I'm learning to be happy when nothing goes my way... and when everything's going my way. After all, it shouldn't be my way anyway - it should be God's. He knows what He's doing. So why worry about it?

The title of the blog is a song that comes to mind when I hear this verse. - "Livin' on love, buying on time. Without somebody 'nothin ain't worth a dime. It's like an old fashioned story book rhyme, livin' on love. Now it's sounds simple. That's what you're thinkin'. But love could walk through fire without blinkin'. It doesn't take much. You get enough, livin' on love."

Now that song is obviously about loving a person... but I like to think that it can be about loving God. When we love Him dearly, we don't need anything else. We've got that love. Without Him "nothin' ain't worth a dime." So like the verse says, we should be content no matter what we go through, because we've got God. We've got Love.

When God Writes Your Love Story

"But have you ever thought of your heart as a treasure every bit as valuable as your physical purity? Have you ever felt the pain that comes from casually giving away your heart? From pouring all of yourself into someone, only have to have that precious treasure thrown to the ground and trampled on?"

You better take off your shoes 'fore you come in my house!

First BCM meeting at Coker tonight. I must say, Dizzy Felkel did an amazing job. God has some awesome things in store for him and BCM this year, I'm sure of it! There were 30 people, which was a huge surprise because the average for last year on a good night was around 14. And with this being the first night, that was super encouraging.

The scripture that tonight's lesson came from was Exodus 3:1-6 which talks about Moses and the burning bush. For those of you who don't know that story - Moses is hanging out taking care of his father-in-law Jethro's sheep out in the desert. He stumbles across this burning piece of foliage - which #1 in the desert it's pretty weird to see random bushes anyway, and #2 it's even weirder to see burning random bushes. So Moses is like what the junk, I'm sure. Then this bush starts talking to him and proceeds to tell him to take off his shoes because he's on holy ground.

Have y'all ever been to someone's house like that before? Where they've been like "you betta take off yo shoes 'fore you come in my house!" Well, I haven't but I know other people have. So you do it as a sign of respect and as a sign of humility. You're doing what they've asked for whatever reason they've asked. Well Dizzy talked about a couple of things we can learn from this passage.

1. If a burning piece of foliage is speaking to you, there's a good chance it's God.
- God speaks to us all in different ways. Sometimes we are too stubborn to hear. Sometimes we aren't surrounding ourselves enough with Him, so when He does speak, we don't recognize the sound of His voice. Point being - listen for God and His calling. Can't go wrong there.

2. When God tells you to do something, there's a good chance He knows what He's talking about.
- When God told Moses to take off his shoes, it was because Moses was on "holy ground." Not many people know what that means. The phrase "holy ground" is used when referring to the presence of God. If God is at work... if God is speaking to you... you're on holy ground. No, you don't necessarily need to take your shoes off. But maybe you do. Maybe you just need to kneel before Him. Maybe you need to fall flat on your face acknowledging His reign over you and your life. Whatever you feel needs to be done, do it!


The main message Dizzy was trying to get across was - God's going to work. He's going to talk to us, He's going to guide us... if we let Him. We have to give Him that chance. We have to give Him that authority in our lives. Moses did what God asked. He recognized it was God, and he acted. We need to stop being so absorbed in ourselves and our own lives that we forget about God and we stop looking for Him.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:13

Bursting my bubble.

Courtney went off to college in Virginia.
Holly has a boyfriend that takes up a considerable amount of her time.
Zach isn't coming around as much as he used to for various reasons.

Well boo! I've been having myself a pity party lately about all of this. I pretty much lost 3 of my best friends within a month of each other. Well, at least that's how it felt. I know Courtney is where God wants her to be, I know Holly and I still hang out, and I know Zach has legitimate reasons for not coming to Hartsville as much. But still, it's stressful not having the encouragement I'm used to! Courtney, Holly, and Zach were the main people I discussed God with. We had many spiritual conversations that got me thinking and kept me growing.

There are all those verses about iron sharpening iron, friends sticking closer than brothers, etc. So I thought to myself "what am I supposed to do now?!" Then I read something. I'm not sure where I read it. Maybe it was tonight while I was at WIRED. But it said "bursting your Christian bubble" or something like that. And I realized that's what I was doing. I'm used to having my perfect little Christian friends around me that are open with their faith. It made being a Christian easy.

But now that those people aren't as intensely woven into my life anymore, I find myself hanging out with people that I normally wouldn't have. I find myself befriending those who may not go to church or even believe in God. Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing!? It's like I had some epiphany tonight... but it's an epiphany I should have had a long time ago. Having Christian friends is an awesome thing - you NEED them! And I still have Courtney, Holly, and Zach - as well as Courtney Sims and Casey.

So instead of being depressed because I'm losing touch with all of these awesome friends, I'm becoming excited that God has given me the chance to grow closer to others. Casey and I spend more time together than we ever have before - Courtney Sims and I have weekly lunch dates and various spontaneous activities together. And not to mention Taylor! We're starting to hang out and talk and get closer as well. Though there are many more, the three of them have had a profound impact on my life already. God has used them to speak to me and show me what I'm made for instead of what I thought I was made for. I've gotten back in touch with the Sarah that God intended. Courtney, Holly, and Zach didn't take away from that - they added to it as well. Without them I wouldn't be who I am today, and without them in the future, I won't be who I know God has made me to be.

I do miss them terribly. I'm just beginning to see what God is doing in this situation. He's freeing up a lot of my time so that I focus on Him, myself, others, and my family. He's allowing me time that I can grow closer to Him by quiet devotions. He's showing me that I shouldn't only spend time with the church going Christians of the world. And He's showing me that I have some awesome friends - whether I realize they're there or not. I love you all. :]

Should you start bursting your Christian bubble?

He's alive.

"I remember drifting off to la-la land as Bob shared how his 'gorgeous blonde' gently touched his hand after she found a grammatical error in the opening line of his essay. I was physically present with my college buddies at that plastic table, but my mind was on another planet. For the first time in my life, I was beginning to realize that if God's plan and purpose for my life really was marriage, then the person I was going to one day marry was most likely somewhere on this great big planet. And right at that moment she was doing something! I was swallowed up in one gigantic thought: She's alive!" - When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric & Leslie Ludy

Whoaaa. No I haven't thought about that before. I mean, if I'm being creepy and imagining myself marrying one of my friends or a guy I saw last weekend, then I think about what they're doing. But when it comes to the person God actually has for me, I don't think about the fact they are actually here and alive and doing things. My husband could be sleeping right now. He could be reading right now. He could be playing Yatzee right now. He could be with another girl right now, which I will deal with later.
But I really never thought about that. The person God has for me could be looking up at the same clouds I do every day. They could be wondering what I'm doing. They could be reading this blog. I think sometimes we get so caught up in the here and now and the people we see immediately in front of us, that we forget the person God has for us could be somewhere else on this planet. I look around and I see the guys that I know and I think "They probably aren't the ones for me." But you know what? Someone out there is. And I should be actively praying for that person in general and for his relationship with God. Have you ever taken time to pray for your possible spouse? Sit back and think about them. Wonder what they're doing. And pray that they are loving and adoring the same God you are.

Do what you love; love what you do.

Yesterday I woke up at 8:30a.m. I got ready for school and left earlier than usual to get to the library so I could reprint my paper, and Ryan's paper, because I had messed up on something the night before. I hurriedly got it done, then headed to my first class. Introduction to Behavioral Statistics. Woo. I halfway listened to the exact same thing I'd heard since my Freshman year - "To get onto a database you go to the library website..." - and I Facebooked. After that class was over I scadoodled over to my next class, Peer Counseling. I listened. I took notes. I participated- somewhat. And then I left. Taco Bell was my next destination where I obtained a #5, chicken, hard taco with no lettuce, large Pepsi and a 10% discount. Thanks Coker. I ate it alone and quite quickly. After all, it was 12:30 and I had to be in my next class at 1. I got back to Coker and went to my Counseling Children class. I took more notes. I participated. I spent a good amount of time slyly texting. The professor hates texting. But I was so bored. It was keeping me awake. After class got out I went to Sonic and got a lemon berry slush because it was happy hour. Then I went to work. I was the only person in my class, so it was a bit hectic, but nothing too bad. I had to be at a cookout for BCM at 4, but I couldn't leave work since I was the only person in my class. I left at 6:10 and got there around 6:20. The cookout only lasted until 7. I got a quick bite to eat, literally, and then it was basically over. I left Coker after cleaning up and got home around 8. Since I had gotten up that morning I had been wanting to ride Shorty. So, even though I was about to pass out from going, going, going, I got my horse and we went riding. I rode him for about 40 minutes. I loved it.

What was wrong with that day? Well, nothing I guess. Except there was no passion anywhere. No love... until I got on my horse. I like going to Coker. It's an awesome school. But I hate how much time it takes up. I feel like I never have time for God and that in and of itself is a ridiculous statement. It's like everything I do is busy work. There's no love in it. I feel like I'm learning things just for tests, and not learning them for the long run. I look forward to going to class because the professors are nice and sometimes we have fun... but I'm not passionate about it.

I prayed while I rode Shorty. Riding him was very calming. Lately my life has been go, go, go... and all I want to do sometimes is sit and read my Bible. Or sit in silence. Or just ride my horse for an hour. I just have to find the hour to do that. My mind is constantly going with money problems, family probelms, school problems. And all of the chaoticness in my mind causes me to push God further away in my schedule.

While I prayed, God began speaking to me. I began questioning whether or not psychology was what He has for me. I love horses. I love barrel racing. I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be when I'm on the back of a horse, watching a rodeo, or hanging out with friends who share those interests.

I have two friends that are passionate about two things. Kevin Thigpen is intensely passionate about music. God did not tell him, "Hey Kevin, it's great you love music... but I'd like you to be a dentist." Kevin is playing music, and as far as I know planning on having a career in music. And he's doing it for God. Emily Dornburg is very passionate about art. God did not say to her "Emily, you know, I'm glad you like art and expressing yourself... but could you either be a secretary or only paint crosses?"

When I first became a Christian, I thought that my career had to be focused only on Christians. To serve God you had to be a pastor, be a missionary, work at a church, or teach at a Christian school. I mean, I didn't see anything wrong with other professions... it was just that's what I thought I had to do. Well, God is now showing me otherwise. God gave me the desire to love horses and do things with horses. And instead of seeing that as a selfish thing, I'm beginning to see it as an inspiring thing. He put the want and the love inside of me. He knows that those things are what make me feel alive. None of my friends, besides Taylor Bell, ride horses, so I thought that that was God's way of showing me that's not what He wants for me. But I don't think anymore that it was Him holding me back.

So last night, as I rode my horse off into the sunset (literally), I decided I am going to break horses and train horses to the barrel pattern. I felt that for once, I was going to be doing what I was meant to do. I'm still going to finish my Psychology degree through Coker. I can be a counselor at a school or church or something of the sort until everything else falls into place. But I do not believe any longer that my focus in life is going to be placed on counseling. And I'm okay with that. I believe God's okay with that. I can still serve Him through horses. I will have so much contact with people. And I'll be active in other areas of ministry. I'll be doing what I love, and loving what I do. For God.

WHEN I TYPE LIKE THIS I AM YELLING AT YOU.

So about 5 minutes ago I was sitting here thinking, "Wow, I'd really like to post a blog, but I haven't had anything to post about lately. Kind of stinks."

And then I heard my dad screaming profanities from the kitchen. I got up and went in there to see what was wrong, though I knew it would be ridiculous. He was cleaning the floor, and our puppy, Daisey Mae, kept walking on it.

Well then, I stand corrected. That is OBVIOUSLY a reason to get angry! Ugh! How dare that puppy walk on the same floor it's always used to walking on! How dare it have the AUDACITY to do such a thing?! Right?!

Very wrong.

I am very against anger. I'm not sure why. You can say it's not biblical if you want, but you get angry and do good with it, then show me, and we'll reach an verdict. I know God gets angry... supposedly Jesus got angry at the temple. And there are verses that say "be angry and do not sin" or "do not let the sun go down on your anger." But there are also verses that say "Do away with all anger, malicious behavior... etc." And verses that say "As long as it depends on you live at peace with all men." There is almost never a time when anger flows from a peaceful heart. If we are angry, it is often because of our own rude desires and faults. Sometimes I get angry for God, because of a sin or something I see someone doing that is against Him, but I hardly ever get angry at a person. I have just realized nothing good comes of it. Right now my heart is not at rest. Just hearing my dad get upset caused me to get worked up and stressed out. Anger does not seem to be good for the body.

I believe it is very important that we all try our best to live peacefully. I believe it is very important that we all try our best to find joy in every situation. And though I know sometimes we lose our temper, sometimes we overreact, sometimes we freak out, maybe even over a big thing... we need to realize in the end that what sets us apart from the world is that when we take a step back and see the situation, we know God is at work and He may be using a trial to test us. A trial to test our faith. A trial to test our patience. Even a trial to test our joy and peace.

From now on, try to have a peace about things. Even if you think it's not bad to get angry, still.. try not to. Try to remain calm and joyful through all situations. That's a strong way to shine our light for Christ - no doubt about it.

I've always loved you.

You don't want to talk to Me anymore, but I still love you.
You never tell Me I'm beautiful, but I still love you.
When I'm around you make Me feel invisible, but I still love you.
You ignore Me when I try to help you, but I still love you.
Sometimes your actions show how much you don't care, but I still love you.
I never seem to be good enough, but I still love you.
When I cry you look the other way, but I still love you.
I sing to you and you don't listen, but I still love you.
I give you gifts and you push them away, but I still love you.
When I smile at you, you find something to frown about, but I still love you.
You do what makes Me unhappy, but I still love you.
You will never be perfect, but I still love you.
I gave you My life and you keep holding yours, but I still love you.
I keep calling your name and you don't answer, but I still love you.
When you begin to talk to Me again, know that I love you.
When you think everything is filled with beauty, know that I love you.
When you feel My presence, know that I love you.
When you listen to My guidance, know that I love you.
When everything you do is dedicated to Me, know that I love you.
When you realize I'm all you need, know that I love you.
When your tears are of joy, know that I love you.
When you sing songs to Me, know that I love you.
When you give more than you receive, know that I love you.
When the sunlight is incomparable to your smile, know that I love you.
When you make Me happy, know that I love you.
When you strive for perfection, know that I love you.
When you lose your life, know that I love you.
When you answer My call, know that I love you.
When the world is no more, know that I have always loved you.

All I Need

This song is all I can think about tonight. There's a horrible burning in my heart, and nothing seems to be able to put it out.



Here it comes it’s all blowing in tonight
I woke up this morning to a blood red sky
They’re burning on the bridge turning off the lights
We’re on the run I can see it in your eyes
If nothing is safe then I don’t understand
You call me your boy but I’m trying to be the man
One more day and it’s all slipping with the sand
You touch my lips and grab the back of my hand
The back of my hand
Guess we both know we’re in over our heads
We got nowhere to go and no home that’s left
The water is rising on a river turning red
It all might be ok or we might be dead
If everything we’ve got is slipping away
I meant what I said when I said until my dying day
I’m holding on to you, holding onto me
Maybe it’s all gone black but you’re all I see
You’re all I see
The walls are shaking, I hear them sound the alarm
Glass is breaking so don’t let go of my arm
Grab your bags and a picture of where we met
All that we’ll leave behind and all that’s left
If everything we’ve got is blowing away
We’ve got a rock and a rock till our dying day
I’m holding on to you, holding on to me
Maybe it’s all we got but it’s all I need
You’re all I need
And if all we’ve got is what no one can break
I know I love you
If that’s all we can take
The tears are coming down
They’re mixing with the rain
I know I love you, if that’s all we can take
A pool is running for miles on the concrete ground
We’re eight feet deep and the rain is still coming down
The TV’s playing it all out of town
We’re grabbing at the fray for something that won’t drown

I'm beautiful.

A while back I did a blog about the guy I'm going to marry. Well, doing a blog doesn't exactly make it official. We still have doubts, we still feel worthless, we still look to people to define us.
I've asked God multiple times to show me how beauitful I am to Him - to remind me that I'm gorgeous in His eyes. I haven't asked in a while. But this morning I decided I wanted to turn the radio on, which I don't do often while I'm getting ready. I asked God to have something for me as I listened. I haven't been seeking Him as I should, but I wanted to remember He's there. And then there was the song. The song that came on. I cried. God showed me how beautiful I was. The song was "More Beautiful You" - Jonny Diaz. And part of the song was my life word for word. It was uncanning how similar my life has been. Maybe you've all heard the song, maybe not. Either way it was more than a blessing. It was a love song to me. And to all girls. So here are some thoughts. Not too deep, not too intense... but real. Me.

"Little girl twenty-one, the things that you've already done - anything to get ahead.
And you say you've got a man, but he's got another plan - only wants what you will do instead.
Well little girl twenty-one, you never thought that this would come.
You starve yourself to play the part.
But I can promise you, there's a man whose love is true. And he'll treat you like the jewel you are.
'Cause there could never be a more beautiful you.
Don't buy the lies, disguises, hoops they make you jump through.
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do.
So there could never be a more beautiful you."

AHHH. I just want to cry any time I even read the words. Just the first part alone screams out. So many women will do anything to get a man. ANYTHING. And they'll do anything to keep him. They'll compromise their desire for sexual purity just to cling to the "love" they think they have. They do all of that just so they can say they have a man - a future husband - but many men are just using the women for what they'll do. They have other plans. Now, this is not all guys - I know quite a few great ones. This is just a mentality that has become so prominent. And so many girls will starve themselves to fit the perfect girlfriend role. They want to be beautiful, sexy, and loved by the world's standards - not God's. And the next line just brings me so much hope. "But I can promise you, there's a man whose love is true. And he'll treat you like the jewel you are." There WILL be a man who will treat me like the jewel I am. Because there could never be a more beautiful me. No matter what the world tells me, I have been told by the King that I am gorgeous and magnificent in His eyes. One day I will be with someone who will know what he has when he has me. No more degrading. No more belittling. He will love me with a love like Christ loves.
Now, I'm in no hurry. God has perfect timing. Just like He has perfect timing answering my prayer for worth in Him later than I expected. He knew when I'd need the answer the most... and He knows when I'll be ready for the one man to make me feel as wonderful as I really am.

:]

Heart vs. Mind

Lately I've been a little more... aware... of the male species. Yes, species. :P
Anyway, I've found myself flirting again, finding various guys attractive, and talking with my friends about crushes. This isn't all bad - it's awakening my femininity, which is wonderful. For a while I just felt like a floating blob. A floating blob with no makeup on, ugly toenails, off-white teeth, and too much extra baggage. But lately, I've been glowing a little more, if that makes any sense to anyone. The awakening of my femininity again has caused me to, obviously, feel more like a woman. Which is great since that's what I am and that's what I was made for.

But when things such as this get out of hand - too much flirting, too many emotions tied into crushes - what do we generally blame? Our hearts.

As I was listening to the Matthew West song "The Motions" the other day, a line jumped at me. I felt like God was speaking to me. "No regrets. Not this time. I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind."
The first part made perfect sense to me. No regrets. Not this time. I've made plenty of mistakes in my past. Haven't we all? Many of my "problems" come from a dependency on what boys think, or their approval of me. Thanks, devil, for setting that trap. NOT. But this time, there will be no regrets. There will be no emotions taking over what I know God wants for my life.
But then the next part confused me for a minute. "I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind." Wait... what? I'm GONNA let my heart defeat my mind? But the heart is supposed to be deceitful. Matthew must just be confused. But the longer I thought about it, the more evident God made it to me that I was the confused one. In the past my heart held my emotions and controlled most of my feelings. When I found myself getting too wrapped up in a person, I would blame it on my heart. After all, that's where my emotions resided.
Now that I think about it, after I became a Christian, Jesus became ruler of my heart. My emotions are no longer the dictators. Now my mind is what may get in the way. While Jesus is trying to show me what He wants for my life, my mind will show me how that is logically wrong or unattainable. So, as the lyric says "I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind." This time, I will not let my logic get in the way of what God is saying to me. If God is saying I'm getting too caught up while my mind is saying "Oh, it's fine. You don't mean anything by it," then I will stop.

Once one becomes a Christian, I believe that the heart is no longer bad, since God resides there. Well, technically the Holy Spirit resides in your entire body.. but anyway. I've heard people complain about not knowing when it's their wants and emotions or when it's God speaking. The only way you'll ever be able to tell is by growing so close to Him that you can feel the difference in both callings. It's hard, but like most everything - it gets easier with time. And next time you're faced with temptation or struggles - let your Heart defeat your mind.

The beauty in the mystery.

Tonight Holly and I decided to go to Florence to have a nice night-on-the-town-that-isn't-our-town before she goes to Disney World tomorrow. We started off in Old Navy, which was amazing because I love their clothes. I've always wanted a pair of ripped jeans. This part has nothing to do with the main purpose of this blog. But anyway, the jeans were like $35 a pair. And the ones on sale were still $23. So I was like, SWEET - I'm getting some of the ones on sale! But no. They had the size above mine. They had the size below mine. But did they have my size? Unless you're confused and you didn't read the statements before this one, then you would know that no they did not have my size. That was not cool to me. But God was just setting up something for me. He likes to do that.

After we left Old Navy we went to Books-A-Million. Now, I'm not a big book-buyer, but I love reading other peoples' books. That they already bought. With their money. And they already read. And figured out if it was stupid. But tonight I felt I was going to get a book. So I took my lovely stack of 9 books and Holly took her 3 and we sat down to skim. I'm not sure Holly even got past her first book. She knew that was what she wanted. But she wasn't feeling to keen on spending 15 bucks on it. However, I felt God wanted her to have that book so I offered to pay for half of it so she didn't have to spend too much money since she was going to have to have money to blow at Disney World! And then I got to the bottom of my stack of books and started reading "Angry Conversations with God." I picked it up because the title was so ridiculous I knew it had to be interesting. I haven't continued reading it as of yet, but there in the store I knew I needed it. So, instead of buying a pair of ripped jeans that do nothing for my spiritual growth, I spent the 35 bucks on two books that will help Holly and I grow closer to God. We plan to swap when we finish with the books. I love how God kept me in check. He knew I was going to come across that book. I'm convinced that's why there were no jeans in my size.


But like I said, not the main point. The purpose of this blog is to bring to everyone's attention something that Holly brought to my attention as we skimmed books in the bookstore.

Ephesians 5:22 - "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." & 5:25 - "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"

Have you ever wondered why God didn't tell husbands to respect their wives or wives to love their husbands? Usually when this passage of scripture is discussed, the main focus is on the relationship between Christ and the church. Awesome. That is definitely something that should be taken away (when you have all of the verses together). But I also believe this is something that husbands and wives, and men and women, and friends and lovers, should all think about.

God knows us inside and out. He knew us before we were formed, and He will know us forevermore. Think of the women in your life. Are they not loving? You may so no, but think... really think. It is natural for a woman to love. They give themselves. They give their time, their energy, their all to show a man that they love him. Women fall in love in moments, adore animals, and bask in the cuteness of babies. We were made to love. But we do not see that we were made to respect and submit. Isn't our love enough!? How dare anyone ask us to be less than them when we love them with all we have. God knew this would be our struggle, so He felt it necessary to tell us through His Word that we must respect our husbands and submit to them. He knows He didn't need to tell us to love - that would come easily. That would be comfortable.

And the same goes for men. God did not say, husbands, respect your wives. A good many men respect women. Now, in this day and age it is not uncommon to find your occasional wife-beater (not the tank top) or woman-user; but that also goes for women. Not all women love with an undying love. There are always exceptions. But nonetheless, it is easier for men to respect women that it is for them to show their love. A good many men think of showing love as not watching football all day. And yes, that is an act of love and it is so great that guys go out of their way to do things for women - but that is not how women see it. That is more respect than love. More of a sense of duty than want. So in God's Word He told men to love their wives. Not that it's hard for men to love - but they've been told so much to hide their emotions, I believe God wanted to remind them to show their love, live in their love, and love as HE loves.

This was just astounding to me. Not that it's easy for men to respect and women to love. Not that it's hard for men to love and hard for women to submit. But that God knew what we would all struggle with. He knew this would be a difficult area for both husbands and wives, and He made sure to remind us through scripture of what we should be doing. I love that. I love that He cares for us so much as to put something that seems that small in the Bible. Something so small causes so many quarrels. So many men forget to love, so their wives grow cold and they lose them. So many women want to rule the relationship, that they tick the men off and show them that they are inferior. God knew that. He KNEW that was going to happen. And He loves us so much that He wants to make sure we do our best to shine His light. He's constantly watching out of us, and that is so beautiful to me.

A heart at peace.

Proverbs 14:30 - "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."


This was my memory verse for the day. And to start with I was like, hmmm, I wonder what God wants me to learn through that.
Well, tonight He showed me. I am a selfish being. All humans are selfish beings. But I was in denial, for the most part. I liked to think that I put others before myself, gave them the benefit of the doubt, etc., but I didn't. I figured out tonight that I don't feel good enough for various reasons, so I try my best to find fault with others. I try my best to find how they aren't good enough. Ridiculous. I have become a very vindictive, sneaky, and outright conceited person in this area. I like to play the blame game; or at least I liked to. If I saw a problem, or if I felt threatened, it was automatically the other person's fault- never my own. Oh how wrong I was. I am at fault. We all are. And we cannot have a heart at peace unless we admit that and let God heal us from the inside out. I would like to apologize for any rude, out of place, vulgar, or hurtful things I've said to or about people in blogs or in person. At the time I didn't see a problem with it, but now God is showing me that because of my envy, or my constant want for something someone else has - an attitude, a reaction, a personality, a peace about them - I am not at peace. I was at war on the inside, and I was waiting to lose.

Now I have lost, and God has won.
Thank you for being patient with me, showing me my faults, and showing me how immature I can be even when I believe I'm being the "bigger person."

Happily ever after.

The man I marry will prefer me without makeup on. He will not pick on my outgoing personality; instead he will encourage it. The man I spend the rest of my life with will not judge my weight, because to him I'll be the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. The man I marry will not merely be a Christian, he will act out his faith by putting Jesus first, others second, and himself last. He will not be perfect, because he will not be Jesus in the flesh. However, he will strive for perfection just as every true child of God should. He will be a man after God's heart. He will be the spiritual leader in the relationship. Going to church will not be burdensome on Sunday morning, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, and whenever else we can get in - it will be what we both look forward to. He will not skip daily devotions with the mindset that he's just too tired or too busy; instead both of us will schedule our lives around God, not the other way around. The man that I marry will never give up on me. He will never think I'm too hyper, too ditzy, too whiny, or too clingy. Whenever I mess up, he will point me to Christ. Instead of letting me wallow in self pity, or play the blame game, he will show me what I could be learning in situations, and how I can better serve God through tough times. He will not be preoccupied with this world. Material objects will not be shunned, but all glory will be given to God when he provides us with earthly things. He will not hit me. He will not verbally abuse me, nor will he look for ways to tear me down. The man that I marry will not go out of his way to make sure I know he could do better. The man that I marry will be the man God gives me; not the one this world tells me I must settle for.

All of this will be true of me as well.

Last night I sat and I thought. I thought of all of my faults. I thought of all of the bad things guys have said to me. I thought of all of the times I was told I was not good enough, whether through actions or words. I thought of how I truly will never be good enough for any man, so why bother looking? I may as well not even care.

And then I stopped. What was I worrying about? The man that I end up with truly love me for me. He will love me just as Christ does. At camp last week Nathanael Waites was discussing relationships and he said "If their relationship with God is not right, then they cannot love you the way you are meant to be loved." That hit me really hard. I have always thought of finding that person I'm supposed to be with as dependent on me. I have to look a certain way, I have to have a certain personality. But that's wrong. So wrong. And it took me about a year and a half to realize that. Wow. The only thing I have to do is completely be myself. Nothing fake. And the person God has for me will have a true relationship with God, so that he can love me just as I was meant to be loved - not like I've been told I deserve to be loved.

Monkey see, monkey do.

So today at church we observed communion. I love communion because it's a great reminder of Jesus's death on the cross and everything He did for us through that death. But this time it was different than usual.

Before taking the bread and the "wine," the congregation turned to the front of the hymnal and read something entitled "The Ritual of the Last Supper" or something to that effect. The pastor read a paragraph, then he and the congregation read the next paragraph together. I didn't read it, just because it didn't mean anything to me. I didn't know what the words meant, and I didn't know why we were saying it. So instead I just prayed that God cleanse my heart and make everything right between Him and I before I observed communion. After I read what they were all reading together, it meant pretty much what I was praying for, but it seemed odd. Now, I'm not smack-talking reciting our beliefs or anything like that, but when we do these things we have to think, "Do I mean what I'm saying, or am I just doing this because I'm supposed to?"

When we say things over and over again, like prayers, or creeds, or whatever, it tends to lose meaning. Most of the words that were used in what we read before communion didn't make much sense to me. And I've had that problem before with other things that churches have recited. If I don't know what I'm saying, and if it's not coming from my heart, then I'd rather not say anything at all. Empty words are just chaos and noise to God. But when we say things, when we pray, when we sing with open and earnest hearts, it's a joyful sound.

Like I said before, I'm not degrading churches for reciting things together, I'm not degrading memorized prayers, nor am I degrading any other memorization methods churches use for getting a point across. I just don't believe that the majority of church goers actually understand what they're saying, and if they understand it, I don't exactly believe they mean it with their whole hearts. Not my place to judge, but definitely my place to stand back and examine my heart and the fruits of others.

Greater things have yet to come.

This song sums up what I am feeling right now in so many ways. There's not much else to say.
I am still rejoicing; I am still being joyful; I am still learning; I am still growing.


"You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Hugo

"Just like a hurricane, You devastate everything that needs to change. And You are the only thing that's beautiful in me, beautiful in me." - The Only Thing That's Beautiful in Me: Rush of Fools


I've listened to that song a fifty times at least. I've had many "aha!" moments while listening to it. Most of Rush of Fools songs do that to me. But while I was listening to this particular song today, I meditated for a while on what that lyric meant.

Many times in our lives things are taken away from us. Boys, girls, friends, family, money, luxuries, churches, other relationships, groups, all of those things can be gone in flash. What do we do when this happens? Well if we're the average person we get angry. If we're the average Christian, we get angry at God or at the situation. Why? Mostly because we're prideful. Sometimes God has to ruin things. He ruins what we might see as the best thing that has ever happened to us. Maybe we are "in love" with a certain person. Well, maybe your feelings aren't God's will. Maybe we are losing focus of Him in a church or in a group of friends. Well, maybe it's better for us to not gather at all than to gather in vain. God has destroyed many things in my life. And at first I'll admit I was upset. I felt cheated. I felt as though God took away something marvelous. But who are we to tell God what is right and what is wrong? After all He is the Creator of all; the King. He knows best and sometimes we are faked out and we believe He doesn't.

I'm thankful for the devastations. I'm thankful for every time God has come barreling through my life like a 5 scale hurricane. He knew there needed to be changes and He wasn't afraid to help make them happen. How amazing is it that our God cares enough about us to do that? He gives us a new path and points us in the right direction. I will no longer dwell on the past and what was or what could have been. God will devastate everything that needs to change, and in the end I'll be closer to Him - the only place I want to be.

To each His own

So, stick with me through this... actually read this scripture, and absorb it.



Romans 14:1-13

¹ Accept other believers who are weak in faith, and don’t argue with them about what they think is right or wrong. ² For instance, one person believes it’s all right to eat anything. But another believer with a sensitive conscience will eat only vegetables. ³ Those who feel free to eat anything must not look down on those who don’t. And those who don’t eat certain foods must not condemn those who do, for God has accepted them. ⁴ Who are you to condemn someone else’s servants? They are responsible to the Lord, so let him judge whether they are right or wrong. And with the Lord’s help, they will do what is right and will receive his approval.

⁵ In the same way, some think one day is more holy than another day, while others think every day is alike. You should each be fully convinced that whichever day you choose is acceptable. ⁶ Those who worship the Lord on a special day do it to honor him. Those who eat any kind of food do so to honor the Lord, since they give thanks to God before eating. And those who refuse to eat certain foods also want to please the Lord and give thanks to God. ⁷ For we don’t live for ourselves or die for ourselves. ⁸ If we live, it’s to honor the Lord. And if we die, it’s to honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. ⁹ Christ died and rose again for this very purpose—to be Lord both of the living and of the dead.

¹⁰ So why do you condemn another believer? Why do you look down on another believer? Remember, we will all stand before the judgment seat of God. ¹¹ For the Scriptures say,

“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,
‘every knee will bend to me,
and every tongue will confess and give praise to God.’”

¹² Yes, each of us will give a personal account to God. ¹³ So let’s stop condemning each other. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall.

So I've been having some issues lately in the conviction area. I'm very passionate about certain convictions I have, and since I feel God is talking to me about those things, I want to tell others. Why hold back something that could help someone else? One area that I have really felt convicted in is bathing suits. I know, that sounds "stupid" to some people, but it really doesn't to me. Some of the bathing suits girls wear are no different than their bra and underwear. If you wouldn't wear that out in public, why would you wear something exactly the same but made out of different material? It's just baffling to me. And not because I don't think the girls have the right motives while wearing the bathing suits, it's just that the amount of flesh that is revealed can cause another person to fall. Most guys like to drool over girls in their bikinis... is that something to be proud of? The lust that the guy is feeling might make a girl feel pretty for a moment... but in the end his blood is on your hands because you made him stumble.

Maybe you think I'm taking the Bible too literally, maybe you think I'm too uptight. Well, maybe I am. God didn't write the Bible to just give us ideas of how to live. He's telling us how to live. And He hasn't called us to be wishy washy, He has called us to stand strong in our convictions and our faith.

I say all of this to lead to a point... of course: lately I've felt very discouraged by fellow believers when it comes to my convictions. Now, I will admit that I was wrong. I believed that everyone was convicted about the same things; or at least should be. But they are not convicted at the same time for the same reasons. And also, I need to be more willing to understand why people aren't convicted as I am. As the scripture states, we all come from different backgrounds. We all have a story that leads up to this day and it is different from the person next to us. Therefore we may see things differently. I just wish instead of my friends saying "oh I see it from your point of view, but I don't agree" - they would see it from my point of view and actually think about it. Think about why I feel the way I do. Think about what their actions may be doing to others, you know? And the discouragement hasn't been too brutal. I just feel like instead of my friends really trying to understand me, they get defensive and they only want to see things one-sided with a "two-sided" tag on it. But as the scripture says, we must accept another person's convictions. There is no reason to take it lightly. Everything we do has a ripple effect, and it may just be hurting someone you're close to whether you realize it or not.

Just observe your actions and question your motives in certain situations. And always be willing to accept and understand someone's point of view or opinion. But mind you, my "opinions" are all
Bible-based; they are not just conjured up in my mind. Hopefully the discouragement will not continue, and at least I have some friends who encourage God talking to me and working in my life. I'm living, learning, and growing through the discouragement though. It just makes me want to be even stronger in my faith. :]

Putting words in God's mouth.

For the longest time I've been trying to figure out why Christians are so against body piercings. Many have expressed disapproval of my nose ring, but when I tell them to give me scripture to show me what God has to say about it, they either never do, or they conveniently "forget." While other times, people give verses that really have nothing to do with a nose ring. And for that matter, if piercing is wrong, then why don't you take your earrings out as you condemn me for my piercing?

Some of the verses that I've been given that supposedly show God's resentment for piercings are:

Leviticus 19:28 - "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any markings upon you: I am the Lord."

ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Do you legitimately think that is God saying not to pierce your body? Read it! "You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh FOR THE DEAD." - I'm sorry, this nose ring is not for the dead. I got the nose ring because I thought it was neat looking. Don't you dye your hair because you think a different color is nice looking? Don't you buy specific clothes because you think they are pretty? Seriously. Stop giving people your own opinion and tagging God on the end of it.

1 Kings 18:28 - "And they cried aloud and cut themselves after their manner with knives and lancets, til the blood gushed out upon them."

Now, maybe I'm taking this too literal, but there is no blood gushing from my nose. It is obvious this verse is talking about people who cut themselves to ease their pain. That would be wrong because God is the only One who can heal our hearts or give us peace. No type of harm done to the body can do that.


More scripture would be: Genesis 35:2-4, Exodus 32:2-3, Isaiah 3:18-23

These verses do actually talk about piercings such as earrings and "nose jewels." HOWEVER, do you not also see that it says those things were worn to worship other Gods or to show signs of witchcraft? If you know me, you know I love God. The end. I fall like every other Christian, but I worship God alone at the end of each and every day. Yes, earrings used to show that a person had a false idol. So what? Somewhere over in the Middle East people might think that wearing a wedding band is a sign of idolizing your husband or wife. It is so frustrating to me that people bend and manipulate what the Word says.

Also, if you hadn't noticed, those verses also discuss wearing necklaces and bracelets. Not just earrings. And definitely not just nose rings. So when you believe you're rightfully judging another Christian because of what you THINK the Bible says, make sure you actually say what God intended.

If anyone has more verses for me that may show God's disapproval of any body piercings PLEASE show me. I am not out to show that people are wrong when they bring verses, but I'm not going to manipulate what God said. And if you do have a verse for me, make sure you read it and examine yourself before you bring it to me. But I want nothing more than to please God, therefore if there is a serious reason why I should not pierce my body, I will remove the piercings and repent whole-heartedly.

PSBTW: Don't use the "your body is a temple" verse because you probably ate greasy bacon and eggs this morning. If that's so, you're turning God's temple into a lard factory... I'm just decorating mine and God hasn't told me to do any differently. :]

If Hell didn't exist...

So yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine about the Christian life and how lukewarm a lot of people are these days. He made the statement: I wonder if the people would be acting the same as they are if Hell didn't exist.

That got me thinking... would I act the same way if Hell didn't exist? Would I pray, sing praises to God, read scripture, show love to all around me, humble myself and serve others, or would I be of this world. Now, mind you, Heaven still exists at this point. Hell just doesn't. There is no eternal consequence for what we do in this life. And the answer I know many people would have if they answered that today, scares me.

I would like to think I would still want a relationship with God. I love Him so much and I love spending time with Him. All of His creations point us to a lifestyle of worshiping Him. But if there was no consequence, would I feel the same way? If everyone still went to Heaven no matter what, how many true Jesus-like Christians would there be in the world? Hah, slim to none, I would think.

So ask yourself the question. Would you still be the same person if there was not an eternal consequence? If your answer is no, then I'm going to be bold and say you are not a Christian. You do not have a true personal relationship with God. You look at Him as a scapegoat; as a way to get out of doing wrong things. You do not look at Him as the love of your life, your Savior, your all in all. Check yourself.

Love is here.

On the way home from Wal-Mart about an hour ago, I was thinking to myself, "You know, I'd like to write a blog. God, please give me something to write a blog about. Maybe I'll read some more of Crazy Love or something." Apparently, God had something more genuine in mind.

As I was going down Ousleydale, I saw a person on the side of the road try to flag me down. It was a woman around the age of 40. She was skinny and had on shorts and a shabby plaid button up shirt. Did I stop? Of course not! That's how you get hurt. That's how people get robbed. That's how people play it safe. Better yet, that's how this vessel of a body gets hurt, that's how people get things taken from them that aren't theirs to start with, and that's how people do not live as God would want them to live. I hit the breaks...

Me: Dare I go back? No.
God: Yes.
Me: She might shoot me.
God: Is Heaven that bad of an option?
Me: But I've never picked anyone up before.
God: Do it.
Me: Yes sir.

I turned around. As I passed her this time, she was more in the road than before. I rolled my window down examined the situation.

Me: Can I help you with something ma'am?
Her: Honey, can I get a ride somewhere?
Me: Sure. But I need to know where you're going, why you need to go there, and if you're going to hurt me.
Her: I need to go to a friends house out past Henricks. My husband and I just got in a fight and I need to know if I can stay with her for the night. And honey, I would never hurt you, promise.
Me: Mkay, get in.
Her: Lord bless you.

She introduced herself to me. Her name was Lisa. We talked for a while about what had happened with her husband, and why it was not normally a good idea to pick up strangers. She kept telling me how grateful she was for what I was doing. I just knew that it was something God would have done. I wanted Him to be glorified through it. She told me she would pawn me her watch for the gas I was using and I told her to think nothing of it. I wanted to do something for her. She also told me about her children and her first husband who had died from a drug overdose. We got to where she needed to be taken and she asked if I'd wait outside for her. I told her sure, and I asked if she needed me to take her back to her house. She said yes. So while she was inside, I prayed. I didn't know this woman, but God told me to pick her up. I had never picked up a stranger before because we're always told not to. I prayed for safety and I prayed that what I was doing was a good witness for the woman. I wanted her to see God, not me.

When she came back out, she looked a little upset. She wasn't able to stay with the friend, so she needed to go back to her house. She asked if I had any money and I told her no. I just had my card. Selfish. It would take five seconds to go to an ATM and get her some money out. I had just gotten paid today; it's not like I was scrounging for money. So I told her I would do that. She told me not to give her $20 because she didn't want to bum from me. I stressed to her that it was God telling me to help her, and I knew she genuinely needed it. I got her the money and she thanked me multiple times.

On the way back to her house we talked more about her husband, and myself. She told me about how she was so thankful that I had a giving heart. I reminded her of her husband that overdosed. She said he always had a giving heart. He would give someone anything the needed at any time. Once, he was even robbed because of being too generous. [I'm not saying any of this for my glory. I'm saying it for the glory of God, and I beg that you realize that.] She said that after her husband had died, the only thing that they were able to donate was his heart. She thought that was a sign from God since he had such a giving heart. That might have been the entire purpose of me picking her up. We all need giving hearts. Not only when we want to, not only when we feel like it, and not only when it's safe... but when we should give. And that is always. Her husband symbolically gave of his heart even after he died. Even though nothing else in his body was worth anything, his heart was. The beating force behind the life that God has given us. Literally and theoretically.

When we got to her house she hugged me and again thanked me for all I had done. She gave me her number so I could call her and have her clean out my car one time. I'll call her; but it'll be to check on her... not to ask anything of her. She said maybe one day she'll have enough money to take me to breakfast. Just talking about it makes me want to cry. I told her I would pray for her, and I meant it. She almost cried as she told me "It's nice of you to pick a complete stranger up. Not many people would do the same even for their close friends."

Love is here. Love is now. Love is pouring from His hands; from His brow. Love is near, it satisfies. Streams of mercy flowing from His side.

Be the love of Christ to someone.

FYI

I haven't posted a blog in a while.
Just in case you haven't noticed.

Not because things haven't been happening, because they have.
I just don't know what to say, or where to start. :]

Window Shoppers

I've recently been thinking a lot about relationships. Not necessarily the ones I've been in, or the ones other people are in at the moment, but relationships in general. I've been particularly interested in the fantasy land people, like myself, live in. When we have a "crush" on someone, or when we're genuinely attracted to them, what sparks that? Well like I said... I've been thinking.

I am a believer in the fact that God has certain people for you in your life for different reasons. Be it a boyfriend for a bad relationship run, or a friend for a lifetime. Nevertheless, (great band btw) people are in our lives for a reason and for a season. Lately every time I talk to someone about someone they like though, everything seems mixed up. They talk about how skinny the person is, how tall they are, how white their teeth are, how scruffy the hair, how uh, voluptuous the figure, how tan the skin, how clear the face, how firm the abs. It's ridiculous. And it upsets me to no end.

No, I'm not saying that we aren't supposed to be attracted to people. I'm not saying that people who are "hot" by the worlds standards are not. Nor am I saying that pale is always the way to go. What I'm saying is, does anyone look for God anymore? I'm starting to doubt it. And when they do find God in someone, they make sure their appearance is up to par as well. If it's not, then oh well, they'll find another God-loving person with better looks. If you all haven't noticed yet, I have a burning inside of me towards the world's view of beauty and the world's view of precious and valuable people. This isn't a complete thought I guess, it's just something to ponder. When you go after someone... is it you going after them, or is it God leading you to them? Is your shallowness leading you away from the true deep relationships God wants you to have? Maybe. Probably more on this later.

P.S. I love you.

So here I sit... 10:03 p.m. on a Tuesday night. I have a million things, okay maybe 5, running through my head at once. I started reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan today, and it has taken all of me to put the book down. Is it a good book? Deeper. Amazing book? Maybe. Completely challenging book? Yes.

Sorry for those of you who haven't read it, I won't completely give anything away, but a part of the book must be in this post. The chapter I just finished reading is entitled "you may not finish this chapter." The point being, that I could die before I'm done with the chapter. The first page even. And near the end Francis compares life to a movie. He talks about how we are but a vapor in this life. We are the extra in the movie. Not the waitress that walks up to the table that the main character is at while having dinner. No. We're the guy or girl who is sitting in the back corner of the restaurant facing away from the camera with maybe 30 other people in the same shot. The focus is nowhere near on us. That is what this life should be like. Too many times we want the camera to be on us. WE want to be the main character.

But consider this - when God made the universe, did he consult us about whether or not it was good? No. We weren't there. When He flooded the earth, did He ask if we thought that would be a good idea? No. God doesn't need our opinion. He is the beginning and the end. Period. He doesn't need our approval, nor does He need our opinions. But too often we want to be the main character in this movie called life. We want to take the spotlight off the Creator, the Master, the Holy One, the Main Character, and place it on ourselves. Quite frankly, we need to get over ourselves.

All of creation cries out to us that God is the center of the universe and that is how it always should and always will be. Every creation on the planet and everywhere else in this mass God created beckons us to look to Him.

There's a point to all this, I promise. Crazy Love has begun to humble me. I am starting to see God for the first time as He should be - the main character of this movie. I went outside earlier today to let my horse eat grass. He lives in a sandlot, basically, so I let him out to graze every now and then. (Mind you, this was all before I began reading the book, and I believe it was God's way of preparing my heart.) As I was walking him to the spot I wanted him to eat at, I watched him. He looked beautiful. More beautiful than I had remembered him looking - and I love horses, so you'd think I'd think he was always gorgeous. But for some reason as he walked and I saw his muscles move and his eyes blink and his ears perk up - I was in awe of his beauty.
When I got him to where I wanted him, I sat down on the grass. I love the feeling of grass on a cool spring afternoon. It's amazing to me. My cat Andi came up to me. Now, Andi's a special cat. He likes to climb.... people. Doesn't matter if you're standing up, sitting down, laying down, walking... whatever. He'll climb you. And you know, that gets a little annoying. But today as I was petting him and TRYING to get him to not climb me, I realized all he wants is affection. He just wants me to love on him and pet him and show him I care about him. So I did. I scratched his back, pet his head, and held him against me. His purrs of satisfaction were so loud.
Earlier tonight I began reading Crazy Love. The chapter about this entire world being about God and for God really started to settle into my mind. I felt like I really needed to go outside and look at the stars. I never do that; especially not alone. I took a nice blanket and a light jacket. I laid down and stared up at the blackened sky. One star. Three stars. Twenty stars. A hundred stars came into sight. They were beautiful. I stared at one in particular for a while. I had never looked at a star that closely before. I had never noticed how much a star twinkled. Sure, I sang the song as a child, but I always thought twinkling stars were airplanes in disguise. I was, once again, mesmerized by the beauty I was witnessing. I just laid there, in awe of how gorgeous it was. I spoke to God and told Him how wonderful I thought it was, though I know He already knows. :]
Shortly after this "moment" I heard a faint meoooooow. "Great," I thought. "Andi's back to use me as a rock climbing wall." And of course, there he was. Slowly making his way to where I was sprawled out. Again, he wanted love and attention. I could not stay outside any longer. I knew I HAD to come inside to write a blog. Something was aching inside of me and I knew it was God. As I walked down the hill to my house I could hear the God's choir: the birds whistling, the crickets chirping, my horse murmuring as I walked by. I smelled the sweet honeysuckle that laces my driveway. I started walking faster. I did NOT want to lose this.

So now here I am. Writing this blog. I know, I know, I haven't reached a point yet... but here it is.
This life is about God. All was created by God and for God, and therefore all creation reflects some aspect of God. My horse's beauty as we walked to our destination - stunning. God is a magnificent God. A wonderful, beautiful, and captivating God. Andi's constant yearn for love - heartbreaking. God wants us. He wants a relationship with us and He chooses to pursue us. And what do we do? We push him away, as I did Andi the first few times. The twinkling stars in the night sky - delicate and detailed. God is so awesome and creative that He gave everything such intricate detail. Down to the smallest particle, the tiniest indention in this life... He molded everything. He gave the stars a twinkle that we can only see when we focus closely on them. What makes you think He doesn't care about your life and what's going on in it? The night choir and the honeysuckle - enchanting. Our God is an enchanting God. He woos us with pleasing fragrances and sweet symphonies. He made those things for Himself, to glorify Himself, and to magnify Himself. But He wants us to enjoy them. He wants to give them to us. He loves us, He wants for us to see this world and think, "Wow. There are no words to describe how absolutely breathtaking our God is." But we don't do it. We look at these animals, we see nature, we hear the sounds of the world and we think "Oh... just another day." Like Francis Chan says, "No. This is not just another day." God has given us so much of His world. Everything was made to glorify Him. Nature is screaming out the greatness of God, why aren't we?

O'child, I'm only asking you for your life.

So lately I've been pondercating the meaning of the word "servant." What is a servant? How does one serve? How do you know you're serving with the right heart?

When we think servant we usually think a waitress at the local Huddle House, or the man who changes your oil. However, when we think of servant, a picture of our best friend, our mom, our Sunday school teacher, or Jesus should come to mind. But most importantly, we should think servant and picture ourselves. Way too often we put the title on others. We say that other people aren't "having a servants heart" when they don't do exactly what we want them to do when we want them to do it. We think that people aren't being "humble" and "serving us" when we think we need something done. But most of the time, when we find something wrong in other people, it's prominent in ourselves. We hold some of the faults that we find so repulsive.

Tonight I'm staying with Courtney. When we finished eating dinner I wanted to clean some dishes so her mom didn't have to. After that, I wanted to clean the coffee pot. That lead to wiping off the tables, making tea, and organizing stacks of mail. I'm not saying all of this to brag... I'm saying it to make a point. I did not go into Courtney's house with the idea "ugh, I guess I should do something nice for these people." Instead, as I began doing things so her mom wouldn't have to, I WANTED to do more. I love her and her family so much that I want to do things for them. I want to take a load off of their shoulders and make life easier on them in the best way I can. THAT is being a servant. Doing something because you want to and because you love someone. Many people think that making yourself cut grass on a hot day when you would rather be watching TV in an air conditioned room is servant-hood. Wrong. That does not come from the right heart. God wants us to do things out of love and in a caring manner. If you do something because you think you have to, there is no will involved. It's more of a chore, more of a burden, than a blessing. But God showed me tonight what true servant-hood is. And I was so happy... so excited... so full of joy. I loved helping out; I loved being able to do something for my friends. And like I said, this totally isn't a bragging blog... it is meant to be a blog of encouragement. I encourage all of you to go and serve others. Not necessarily clean, but do something for other people. Put others before yourself. Like the acronym - JOY - Jesus, others, yourself.

The title of the blog may seem a little random... but it's not. It's God's cry to us. Oh, child, I'm only asking you for your life. That's all He wants. He just wants our lives. He loved us enough to die for us, how about lets love Him enough to live for Him. And what better way to do that than to serve others, and in turn, serve Him!

Death shall not part us, it's you I died for.

So I originally planned to only do one blog per day... but I need to write about this. I need to write it for myself in the future, and for anyone else who thinks God doesn't do small things as well as big things.


Tonight I was struggling with a lot of internal things of the flesh. I guess external as well in a way? I don't know, not the point. The point is I get so upset at myself because I can never be perfect. When pride, lust, lies, jealousy, etc are prominent in our lives, we don't want to think about the Holy Spirit convicting us. Our flesh wants to sin, and it usually wins. Well tonight I was feeling like a complete failure because I haven't been where I needed to be with God. I begged God for His forgiveness for my straying, and I went to Pandora to listen to some good deep Christian songs. I asked God to have a song for me.

And you know what? He did. And He sang to me.


Beloved - Tenth Avenue North

"Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah I

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
and Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to me yea now now

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me"


Nothing else need be said.

Random thoughts for the day:

A considerable amount of my friends are having children.
And an even greater amount of my friends are finding significant others, getting engaged, and getting married.

Aesthetic beauty...

So it's really no secret to anyone that I don't have a really high self-esteem. I know that's dumb, that's pointless. God made me and I should love myself. But you know what? This world has such a screwed up view of what "beauty" is, I'm surprised ANY girl feels beautiful.

Holly and I were talking on the way back home from the beach Tuesday night, and quite frankly, we entered depths of my soul that I hadn't revealed to anyone. I have repressed so many answers to my question "Am I lovely?" As we talked I realized why I'm so immensely set on the idea that I am a hideous person, not worthy of being called beautiful or anything close to it.

I'm not sure why I'm typing all of this. I do not feel like the world as a whole will benefit from it.

But let's just say I've made some mistakes in my time. And the aftermath of those mistakes left me no room to doubt whether or not I was worthy of being called anything but worthless. I've tried to find acceptance with friends. I've tried to find acceptance in my family. I've tried to find my acceptance with boys. But it never works out. And I know we're supposed to only place our worth in God's hands... and when we do that we see just how wonderfully and fearfully made we are. But with so much hurt in someone's past, how is that possible?
To every person who has ever picked on someone's looks - how dare you? To every person who has ever put someone down because they are not "up to par" in their eyes - how dare you? It sickens me. It doesn't only sicken me because I know that it happens to others, it sickens me because I know it has happened to me. I know what it feels like to be uncomfortable with your weight, your complexion, your height. I know what it feels like to want to be gorgeous without makeup, not even lifting a finger to alter your appearance. And I want that. I want that so badly. I want people to stop answering my question with a "no." God is screaming a resounding "YES" to me, and I'm tired of mere humans trying to drown Him out.

Lately, He has been yelling far louder than the world... but through the world. Friends have been complimenting me left and right and it has really lifted my spirits. If you tell me that aesthetic beauty doesn't matter, you're lying to yourself. It does. The only problem is that we do not know what beauty is. And until we let God define it for us, our flesh will continue to ruin the lives of children, teenagers, men, and women. I don't want to take part in that. I see the beauty in everyone. I bask in the beauty of everyone because GOD CREATED EVERYONE. Like Emily Dornburg said today - "God, You are the most amazing artist EVER!" And it's so true. How about we treat His masterpieces as more than chicken scratch?

This is not considered jumping on the bandwagon...

But, since a good many people have a blog... I decided it might just be a good idea for me to get one too. Sort of an electronic journal for all that God is doing in my life so that I can share it with others, and hopefully ultimately encourage them. First things first: God gave me a reality check today... THREE TIMES.


Zach asked me again if I'd go to Elevation church with him. This time my life wasn't going crazy on me, so I said sure. I'll admit, I am a stubborn person. And it's really common for me to already have a preformed opinion about something before I experience it for the first time. Well, I know it's common for big churches that are into being "contemporary" and "relative" to get lost in gaining people instead of being found in the Word. I asked God to show me how to have an open heart so that through the experience I could grow closer to Him. Holly was praying for me too. When we got to the church, I was like "Oh great, this is going to be so in-your-face." And you know what? It was. But in a good way. I felt so prideful and ridiculous when the focus of Steven Furtick's preaching was obviously God. I realized really quicklike that I had been judgmental and foolish... and selfish. I was concerned with my own rude thoughts, and not the truth. None of those are things God looks upon with a smile.
I also found myself getting a little upset when I didn't know the songs they were singing. I kept thinking "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SING UNTO THE LORD... WHEN I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SINGING?!" Almost instantaneously I realized I was being selfish, again. Worship is not about us. Worship through song is not about us. Worship through our lives is not about us. Worship, in every way the term can be used, is about GOD. We are worshiping Him. He is NOT worshiping us. Our needs and wants should not be catered to. What is important is that we are singing the songs, living the life, listening to the words, for His glory. We are doing it to focus on Him... and be in awe of Him. My experience took a 180 degree turn after that.
And the third time He checked me in the reality area had to do with myself and my mom. A couple of times today we got in an argument over some seriously small stuff. I think she wasn't going somewhere as quickly as I wanted her to and I wasn't doing something as quickly as she wanted me to. Something extremely minuscule. That was before WIRED tonight. We discussed the end of James 3 and the beginning/middle of James 4. Over and over again the idea of selfishness and concern for self comfort and pleasures and desires came up. Well foo. I know I struggle when it comes to being a humble servant... and it's worse when it's with my parents for various reasons. But when I got home, I talked to my mom about what we discussed in church. As I was talking I saw how blatantly obvious it was that I had been selfish earlier. This selfish stuff has come out of nowhere.

I don't know why God brought it into my life so prominently and so quickly, but I know there is a purpose. He wants to tell me something. He wants to help me. Well. Here I am.