P.S. I love you.

So here I sit... 10:03 p.m. on a Tuesday night. I have a million things, okay maybe 5, running through my head at once. I started reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan today, and it has taken all of me to put the book down. Is it a good book? Deeper. Amazing book? Maybe. Completely challenging book? Yes.

Sorry for those of you who haven't read it, I won't completely give anything away, but a part of the book must be in this post. The chapter I just finished reading is entitled "you may not finish this chapter." The point being, that I could die before I'm done with the chapter. The first page even. And near the end Francis compares life to a movie. He talks about how we are but a vapor in this life. We are the extra in the movie. Not the waitress that walks up to the table that the main character is at while having dinner. No. We're the guy or girl who is sitting in the back corner of the restaurant facing away from the camera with maybe 30 other people in the same shot. The focus is nowhere near on us. That is what this life should be like. Too many times we want the camera to be on us. WE want to be the main character.

But consider this - when God made the universe, did he consult us about whether or not it was good? No. We weren't there. When He flooded the earth, did He ask if we thought that would be a good idea? No. God doesn't need our opinion. He is the beginning and the end. Period. He doesn't need our approval, nor does He need our opinions. But too often we want to be the main character in this movie called life. We want to take the spotlight off the Creator, the Master, the Holy One, the Main Character, and place it on ourselves. Quite frankly, we need to get over ourselves.

All of creation cries out to us that God is the center of the universe and that is how it always should and always will be. Every creation on the planet and everywhere else in this mass God created beckons us to look to Him.

There's a point to all this, I promise. Crazy Love has begun to humble me. I am starting to see God for the first time as He should be - the main character of this movie. I went outside earlier today to let my horse eat grass. He lives in a sandlot, basically, so I let him out to graze every now and then. (Mind you, this was all before I began reading the book, and I believe it was God's way of preparing my heart.) As I was walking him to the spot I wanted him to eat at, I watched him. He looked beautiful. More beautiful than I had remembered him looking - and I love horses, so you'd think I'd think he was always gorgeous. But for some reason as he walked and I saw his muscles move and his eyes blink and his ears perk up - I was in awe of his beauty.
When I got him to where I wanted him, I sat down on the grass. I love the feeling of grass on a cool spring afternoon. It's amazing to me. My cat Andi came up to me. Now, Andi's a special cat. He likes to climb.... people. Doesn't matter if you're standing up, sitting down, laying down, walking... whatever. He'll climb you. And you know, that gets a little annoying. But today as I was petting him and TRYING to get him to not climb me, I realized all he wants is affection. He just wants me to love on him and pet him and show him I care about him. So I did. I scratched his back, pet his head, and held him against me. His purrs of satisfaction were so loud.
Earlier tonight I began reading Crazy Love. The chapter about this entire world being about God and for God really started to settle into my mind. I felt like I really needed to go outside and look at the stars. I never do that; especially not alone. I took a nice blanket and a light jacket. I laid down and stared up at the blackened sky. One star. Three stars. Twenty stars. A hundred stars came into sight. They were beautiful. I stared at one in particular for a while. I had never looked at a star that closely before. I had never noticed how much a star twinkled. Sure, I sang the song as a child, but I always thought twinkling stars were airplanes in disguise. I was, once again, mesmerized by the beauty I was witnessing. I just laid there, in awe of how gorgeous it was. I spoke to God and told Him how wonderful I thought it was, though I know He already knows. :]
Shortly after this "moment" I heard a faint meoooooow. "Great," I thought. "Andi's back to use me as a rock climbing wall." And of course, there he was. Slowly making his way to where I was sprawled out. Again, he wanted love and attention. I could not stay outside any longer. I knew I HAD to come inside to write a blog. Something was aching inside of me and I knew it was God. As I walked down the hill to my house I could hear the God's choir: the birds whistling, the crickets chirping, my horse murmuring as I walked by. I smelled the sweet honeysuckle that laces my driveway. I started walking faster. I did NOT want to lose this.

So now here I am. Writing this blog. I know, I know, I haven't reached a point yet... but here it is.
This life is about God. All was created by God and for God, and therefore all creation reflects some aspect of God. My horse's beauty as we walked to our destination - stunning. God is a magnificent God. A wonderful, beautiful, and captivating God. Andi's constant yearn for love - heartbreaking. God wants us. He wants a relationship with us and He chooses to pursue us. And what do we do? We push him away, as I did Andi the first few times. The twinkling stars in the night sky - delicate and detailed. God is so awesome and creative that He gave everything such intricate detail. Down to the smallest particle, the tiniest indention in this life... He molded everything. He gave the stars a twinkle that we can only see when we focus closely on them. What makes you think He doesn't care about your life and what's going on in it? The night choir and the honeysuckle - enchanting. Our God is an enchanting God. He woos us with pleasing fragrances and sweet symphonies. He made those things for Himself, to glorify Himself, and to magnify Himself. But He wants us to enjoy them. He wants to give them to us. He loves us, He wants for us to see this world and think, "Wow. There are no words to describe how absolutely breathtaking our God is." But we don't do it. We look at these animals, we see nature, we hear the sounds of the world and we think "Oh... just another day." Like Francis Chan says, "No. This is not just another day." God has given us so much of His world. Everything was made to glorify Him. Nature is screaming out the greatness of God, why aren't we?

O'child, I'm only asking you for your life.

So lately I've been pondercating the meaning of the word "servant." What is a servant? How does one serve? How do you know you're serving with the right heart?

When we think servant we usually think a waitress at the local Huddle House, or the man who changes your oil. However, when we think of servant, a picture of our best friend, our mom, our Sunday school teacher, or Jesus should come to mind. But most importantly, we should think servant and picture ourselves. Way too often we put the title on others. We say that other people aren't "having a servants heart" when they don't do exactly what we want them to do when we want them to do it. We think that people aren't being "humble" and "serving us" when we think we need something done. But most of the time, when we find something wrong in other people, it's prominent in ourselves. We hold some of the faults that we find so repulsive.

Tonight I'm staying with Courtney. When we finished eating dinner I wanted to clean some dishes so her mom didn't have to. After that, I wanted to clean the coffee pot. That lead to wiping off the tables, making tea, and organizing stacks of mail. I'm not saying all of this to brag... I'm saying it to make a point. I did not go into Courtney's house with the idea "ugh, I guess I should do something nice for these people." Instead, as I began doing things so her mom wouldn't have to, I WANTED to do more. I love her and her family so much that I want to do things for them. I want to take a load off of their shoulders and make life easier on them in the best way I can. THAT is being a servant. Doing something because you want to and because you love someone. Many people think that making yourself cut grass on a hot day when you would rather be watching TV in an air conditioned room is servant-hood. Wrong. That does not come from the right heart. God wants us to do things out of love and in a caring manner. If you do something because you think you have to, there is no will involved. It's more of a chore, more of a burden, than a blessing. But God showed me tonight what true servant-hood is. And I was so happy... so excited... so full of joy. I loved helping out; I loved being able to do something for my friends. And like I said, this totally isn't a bragging blog... it is meant to be a blog of encouragement. I encourage all of you to go and serve others. Not necessarily clean, but do something for other people. Put others before yourself. Like the acronym - JOY - Jesus, others, yourself.

The title of the blog may seem a little random... but it's not. It's God's cry to us. Oh, child, I'm only asking you for your life. That's all He wants. He just wants our lives. He loved us enough to die for us, how about lets love Him enough to live for Him. And what better way to do that than to serve others, and in turn, serve Him!

Death shall not part us, it's you I died for.

So I originally planned to only do one blog per day... but I need to write about this. I need to write it for myself in the future, and for anyone else who thinks God doesn't do small things as well as big things.


Tonight I was struggling with a lot of internal things of the flesh. I guess external as well in a way? I don't know, not the point. The point is I get so upset at myself because I can never be perfect. When pride, lust, lies, jealousy, etc are prominent in our lives, we don't want to think about the Holy Spirit convicting us. Our flesh wants to sin, and it usually wins. Well tonight I was feeling like a complete failure because I haven't been where I needed to be with God. I begged God for His forgiveness for my straying, and I went to Pandora to listen to some good deep Christian songs. I asked God to have a song for me.

And you know what? He did. And He sang to me.


Beloved - Tenth Avenue North

"Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah I

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
and Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to me yea now now

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me"


Nothing else need be said.

Random thoughts for the day:

A considerable amount of my friends are having children.
And an even greater amount of my friends are finding significant others, getting engaged, and getting married.

Aesthetic beauty...

So it's really no secret to anyone that I don't have a really high self-esteem. I know that's dumb, that's pointless. God made me and I should love myself. But you know what? This world has such a screwed up view of what "beauty" is, I'm surprised ANY girl feels beautiful.

Holly and I were talking on the way back home from the beach Tuesday night, and quite frankly, we entered depths of my soul that I hadn't revealed to anyone. I have repressed so many answers to my question "Am I lovely?" As we talked I realized why I'm so immensely set on the idea that I am a hideous person, not worthy of being called beautiful or anything close to it.

I'm not sure why I'm typing all of this. I do not feel like the world as a whole will benefit from it.

But let's just say I've made some mistakes in my time. And the aftermath of those mistakes left me no room to doubt whether or not I was worthy of being called anything but worthless. I've tried to find acceptance with friends. I've tried to find acceptance in my family. I've tried to find my acceptance with boys. But it never works out. And I know we're supposed to only place our worth in God's hands... and when we do that we see just how wonderfully and fearfully made we are. But with so much hurt in someone's past, how is that possible?
To every person who has ever picked on someone's looks - how dare you? To every person who has ever put someone down because they are not "up to par" in their eyes - how dare you? It sickens me. It doesn't only sicken me because I know that it happens to others, it sickens me because I know it has happened to me. I know what it feels like to be uncomfortable with your weight, your complexion, your height. I know what it feels like to want to be gorgeous without makeup, not even lifting a finger to alter your appearance. And I want that. I want that so badly. I want people to stop answering my question with a "no." God is screaming a resounding "YES" to me, and I'm tired of mere humans trying to drown Him out.

Lately, He has been yelling far louder than the world... but through the world. Friends have been complimenting me left and right and it has really lifted my spirits. If you tell me that aesthetic beauty doesn't matter, you're lying to yourself. It does. The only problem is that we do not know what beauty is. And until we let God define it for us, our flesh will continue to ruin the lives of children, teenagers, men, and women. I don't want to take part in that. I see the beauty in everyone. I bask in the beauty of everyone because GOD CREATED EVERYONE. Like Emily Dornburg said today - "God, You are the most amazing artist EVER!" And it's so true. How about we treat His masterpieces as more than chicken scratch?

This is not considered jumping on the bandwagon...

But, since a good many people have a blog... I decided it might just be a good idea for me to get one too. Sort of an electronic journal for all that God is doing in my life so that I can share it with others, and hopefully ultimately encourage them. First things first: God gave me a reality check today... THREE TIMES.


Zach asked me again if I'd go to Elevation church with him. This time my life wasn't going crazy on me, so I said sure. I'll admit, I am a stubborn person. And it's really common for me to already have a preformed opinion about something before I experience it for the first time. Well, I know it's common for big churches that are into being "contemporary" and "relative" to get lost in gaining people instead of being found in the Word. I asked God to show me how to have an open heart so that through the experience I could grow closer to Him. Holly was praying for me too. When we got to the church, I was like "Oh great, this is going to be so in-your-face." And you know what? It was. But in a good way. I felt so prideful and ridiculous when the focus of Steven Furtick's preaching was obviously God. I realized really quicklike that I had been judgmental and foolish... and selfish. I was concerned with my own rude thoughts, and not the truth. None of those are things God looks upon with a smile.
I also found myself getting a little upset when I didn't know the songs they were singing. I kept thinking "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SING UNTO THE LORD... WHEN I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SINGING?!" Almost instantaneously I realized I was being selfish, again. Worship is not about us. Worship through song is not about us. Worship through our lives is not about us. Worship, in every way the term can be used, is about GOD. We are worshiping Him. He is NOT worshiping us. Our needs and wants should not be catered to. What is important is that we are singing the songs, living the life, listening to the words, for His glory. We are doing it to focus on Him... and be in awe of Him. My experience took a 180 degree turn after that.
And the third time He checked me in the reality area had to do with myself and my mom. A couple of times today we got in an argument over some seriously small stuff. I think she wasn't going somewhere as quickly as I wanted her to and I wasn't doing something as quickly as she wanted me to. Something extremely minuscule. That was before WIRED tonight. We discussed the end of James 3 and the beginning/middle of James 4. Over and over again the idea of selfishness and concern for self comfort and pleasures and desires came up. Well foo. I know I struggle when it comes to being a humble servant... and it's worse when it's with my parents for various reasons. But when I got home, I talked to my mom about what we discussed in church. As I was talking I saw how blatantly obvious it was that I had been selfish earlier. This selfish stuff has come out of nowhere.

I don't know why God brought it into my life so prominently and so quickly, but I know there is a purpose. He wants to tell me something. He wants to help me. Well. Here I am.