Heart vs. Mind

Lately I've been a little more... aware... of the male species. Yes, species. :P
Anyway, I've found myself flirting again, finding various guys attractive, and talking with my friends about crushes. This isn't all bad - it's awakening my femininity, which is wonderful. For a while I just felt like a floating blob. A floating blob with no makeup on, ugly toenails, off-white teeth, and too much extra baggage. But lately, I've been glowing a little more, if that makes any sense to anyone. The awakening of my femininity again has caused me to, obviously, feel more like a woman. Which is great since that's what I am and that's what I was made for.

But when things such as this get out of hand - too much flirting, too many emotions tied into crushes - what do we generally blame? Our hearts.

As I was listening to the Matthew West song "The Motions" the other day, a line jumped at me. I felt like God was speaking to me. "No regrets. Not this time. I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind."
The first part made perfect sense to me. No regrets. Not this time. I've made plenty of mistakes in my past. Haven't we all? Many of my "problems" come from a dependency on what boys think, or their approval of me. Thanks, devil, for setting that trap. NOT. But this time, there will be no regrets. There will be no emotions taking over what I know God wants for my life.
But then the next part confused me for a minute. "I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind." Wait... what? I'm GONNA let my heart defeat my mind? But the heart is supposed to be deceitful. Matthew must just be confused. But the longer I thought about it, the more evident God made it to me that I was the confused one. In the past my heart held my emotions and controlled most of my feelings. When I found myself getting too wrapped up in a person, I would blame it on my heart. After all, that's where my emotions resided.
Now that I think about it, after I became a Christian, Jesus became ruler of my heart. My emotions are no longer the dictators. Now my mind is what may get in the way. While Jesus is trying to show me what He wants for my life, my mind will show me how that is logically wrong or unattainable. So, as the lyric says "I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind." This time, I will not let my logic get in the way of what God is saying to me. If God is saying I'm getting too caught up while my mind is saying "Oh, it's fine. You don't mean anything by it," then I will stop.

Once one becomes a Christian, I believe that the heart is no longer bad, since God resides there. Well, technically the Holy Spirit resides in your entire body.. but anyway. I've heard people complain about not knowing when it's their wants and emotions or when it's God speaking. The only way you'll ever be able to tell is by growing so close to Him that you can feel the difference in both callings. It's hard, but like most everything - it gets easier with time. And next time you're faced with temptation or struggles - let your Heart defeat your mind.

The beauty in the mystery.

Tonight Holly and I decided to go to Florence to have a nice night-on-the-town-that-isn't-our-town before she goes to Disney World tomorrow. We started off in Old Navy, which was amazing because I love their clothes. I've always wanted a pair of ripped jeans. This part has nothing to do with the main purpose of this blog. But anyway, the jeans were like $35 a pair. And the ones on sale were still $23. So I was like, SWEET - I'm getting some of the ones on sale! But no. They had the size above mine. They had the size below mine. But did they have my size? Unless you're confused and you didn't read the statements before this one, then you would know that no they did not have my size. That was not cool to me. But God was just setting up something for me. He likes to do that.

After we left Old Navy we went to Books-A-Million. Now, I'm not a big book-buyer, but I love reading other peoples' books. That they already bought. With their money. And they already read. And figured out if it was stupid. But tonight I felt I was going to get a book. So I took my lovely stack of 9 books and Holly took her 3 and we sat down to skim. I'm not sure Holly even got past her first book. She knew that was what she wanted. But she wasn't feeling to keen on spending 15 bucks on it. However, I felt God wanted her to have that book so I offered to pay for half of it so she didn't have to spend too much money since she was going to have to have money to blow at Disney World! And then I got to the bottom of my stack of books and started reading "Angry Conversations with God." I picked it up because the title was so ridiculous I knew it had to be interesting. I haven't continued reading it as of yet, but there in the store I knew I needed it. So, instead of buying a pair of ripped jeans that do nothing for my spiritual growth, I spent the 35 bucks on two books that will help Holly and I grow closer to God. We plan to swap when we finish with the books. I love how God kept me in check. He knew I was going to come across that book. I'm convinced that's why there were no jeans in my size.


But like I said, not the main point. The purpose of this blog is to bring to everyone's attention something that Holly brought to my attention as we skimmed books in the bookstore.

Ephesians 5:22 - "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." & 5:25 - "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"

Have you ever wondered why God didn't tell husbands to respect their wives or wives to love their husbands? Usually when this passage of scripture is discussed, the main focus is on the relationship between Christ and the church. Awesome. That is definitely something that should be taken away (when you have all of the verses together). But I also believe this is something that husbands and wives, and men and women, and friends and lovers, should all think about.

God knows us inside and out. He knew us before we were formed, and He will know us forevermore. Think of the women in your life. Are they not loving? You may so no, but think... really think. It is natural for a woman to love. They give themselves. They give their time, their energy, their all to show a man that they love him. Women fall in love in moments, adore animals, and bask in the cuteness of babies. We were made to love. But we do not see that we were made to respect and submit. Isn't our love enough!? How dare anyone ask us to be less than them when we love them with all we have. God knew this would be our struggle, so He felt it necessary to tell us through His Word that we must respect our husbands and submit to them. He knows He didn't need to tell us to love - that would come easily. That would be comfortable.

And the same goes for men. God did not say, husbands, respect your wives. A good many men respect women. Now, in this day and age it is not uncommon to find your occasional wife-beater (not the tank top) or woman-user; but that also goes for women. Not all women love with an undying love. There are always exceptions. But nonetheless, it is easier for men to respect women that it is for them to show their love. A good many men think of showing love as not watching football all day. And yes, that is an act of love and it is so great that guys go out of their way to do things for women - but that is not how women see it. That is more respect than love. More of a sense of duty than want. So in God's Word He told men to love their wives. Not that it's hard for men to love - but they've been told so much to hide their emotions, I believe God wanted to remind them to show their love, live in their love, and love as HE loves.

This was just astounding to me. Not that it's easy for men to respect and women to love. Not that it's hard for men to love and hard for women to submit. But that God knew what we would all struggle with. He knew this would be a difficult area for both husbands and wives, and He made sure to remind us through scripture of what we should be doing. I love that. I love that He cares for us so much as to put something that seems that small in the Bible. Something so small causes so many quarrels. So many men forget to love, so their wives grow cold and they lose them. So many women want to rule the relationship, that they tick the men off and show them that they are inferior. God knew that. He KNEW that was going to happen. And He loves us so much that He wants to make sure we do our best to shine His light. He's constantly watching out of us, and that is so beautiful to me.

A heart at peace.

Proverbs 14:30 - "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."


This was my memory verse for the day. And to start with I was like, hmmm, I wonder what God wants me to learn through that.
Well, tonight He showed me. I am a selfish being. All humans are selfish beings. But I was in denial, for the most part. I liked to think that I put others before myself, gave them the benefit of the doubt, etc., but I didn't. I figured out tonight that I don't feel good enough for various reasons, so I try my best to find fault with others. I try my best to find how they aren't good enough. Ridiculous. I have become a very vindictive, sneaky, and outright conceited person in this area. I like to play the blame game; or at least I liked to. If I saw a problem, or if I felt threatened, it was automatically the other person's fault- never my own. Oh how wrong I was. I am at fault. We all are. And we cannot have a heart at peace unless we admit that and let God heal us from the inside out. I would like to apologize for any rude, out of place, vulgar, or hurtful things I've said to or about people in blogs or in person. At the time I didn't see a problem with it, but now God is showing me that because of my envy, or my constant want for something someone else has - an attitude, a reaction, a personality, a peace about them - I am not at peace. I was at war on the inside, and I was waiting to lose.

Now I have lost, and God has won.
Thank you for being patient with me, showing me my faults, and showing me how immature I can be even when I believe I'm being the "bigger person."

Happily ever after.

The man I marry will prefer me without makeup on. He will not pick on my outgoing personality; instead he will encourage it. The man I spend the rest of my life with will not judge my weight, because to him I'll be the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. The man I marry will not merely be a Christian, he will act out his faith by putting Jesus first, others second, and himself last. He will not be perfect, because he will not be Jesus in the flesh. However, he will strive for perfection just as every true child of God should. He will be a man after God's heart. He will be the spiritual leader in the relationship. Going to church will not be burdensome on Sunday morning, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, and whenever else we can get in - it will be what we both look forward to. He will not skip daily devotions with the mindset that he's just too tired or too busy; instead both of us will schedule our lives around God, not the other way around. The man that I marry will never give up on me. He will never think I'm too hyper, too ditzy, too whiny, or too clingy. Whenever I mess up, he will point me to Christ. Instead of letting me wallow in self pity, or play the blame game, he will show me what I could be learning in situations, and how I can better serve God through tough times. He will not be preoccupied with this world. Material objects will not be shunned, but all glory will be given to God when he provides us with earthly things. He will not hit me. He will not verbally abuse me, nor will he look for ways to tear me down. The man that I marry will not go out of his way to make sure I know he could do better. The man that I marry will be the man God gives me; not the one this world tells me I must settle for.

All of this will be true of me as well.

Last night I sat and I thought. I thought of all of my faults. I thought of all of the bad things guys have said to me. I thought of all of the times I was told I was not good enough, whether through actions or words. I thought of how I truly will never be good enough for any man, so why bother looking? I may as well not even care.

And then I stopped. What was I worrying about? The man that I end up with truly love me for me. He will love me just as Christ does. At camp last week Nathanael Waites was discussing relationships and he said "If their relationship with God is not right, then they cannot love you the way you are meant to be loved." That hit me really hard. I have always thought of finding that person I'm supposed to be with as dependent on me. I have to look a certain way, I have to have a certain personality. But that's wrong. So wrong. And it took me about a year and a half to realize that. Wow. The only thing I have to do is completely be myself. Nothing fake. And the person God has for me will have a true relationship with God, so that he can love me just as I was meant to be loved - not like I've been told I deserve to be loved.

Monkey see, monkey do.

So today at church we observed communion. I love communion because it's a great reminder of Jesus's death on the cross and everything He did for us through that death. But this time it was different than usual.

Before taking the bread and the "wine," the congregation turned to the front of the hymnal and read something entitled "The Ritual of the Last Supper" or something to that effect. The pastor read a paragraph, then he and the congregation read the next paragraph together. I didn't read it, just because it didn't mean anything to me. I didn't know what the words meant, and I didn't know why we were saying it. So instead I just prayed that God cleanse my heart and make everything right between Him and I before I observed communion. After I read what they were all reading together, it meant pretty much what I was praying for, but it seemed odd. Now, I'm not smack-talking reciting our beliefs or anything like that, but when we do these things we have to think, "Do I mean what I'm saying, or am I just doing this because I'm supposed to?"

When we say things over and over again, like prayers, or creeds, or whatever, it tends to lose meaning. Most of the words that were used in what we read before communion didn't make much sense to me. And I've had that problem before with other things that churches have recited. If I don't know what I'm saying, and if it's not coming from my heart, then I'd rather not say anything at all. Empty words are just chaos and noise to God. But when we say things, when we pray, when we sing with open and earnest hearts, it's a joyful sound.

Like I said before, I'm not degrading churches for reciting things together, I'm not degrading memorized prayers, nor am I degrading any other memorization methods churches use for getting a point across. I just don't believe that the majority of church goers actually understand what they're saying, and if they understand it, I don't exactly believe they mean it with their whole hearts. Not my place to judge, but definitely my place to stand back and examine my heart and the fruits of others.

Greater things have yet to come.

This song sums up what I am feeling right now in so many ways. There's not much else to say.
I am still rejoicing; I am still being joyful; I am still learning; I am still growing.


"You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy